Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

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