A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

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